Thursday, May 10, 2012

He's Heterosexual!

Hey, it's me. I really need to talk to you. I just found out that, well, um, that my son is heterosexual!

I know! I can't believe it either. How could this happen? Where did I go wrong that he would choose to live that lifestyle? Why is he doing this to our family? It's so selfish. And what about the neighbors? You know how they gossip. My life is going to be unbearable if they find out.

Maybe I should have seen the signs. I mean, from the time he was little he was always walking with that heavy tread, running around making everything into a gun and playing with toy cars. He never once asked me to teach him how to cook and he was obsessed with football. I blame his father for that! And remember when I caught him kissing the neighbor girl in his closet?

Oh my God! In the closet! I am so blind!

Maybe we could do some sort of intervention. You know, pray this insanity out of him or just beat it out of him, but, you know, with love. There has to be something we can do.

What? You think it's just a phase? Oh! He's rebelling against us in the most heinous way he can. That little bastard! Is he trying to kill me? Well, this would do it. I can feel the blood clot in my brain ready to pop. Why couldn't he choose a normal phase like drug and alcohol binges or demonic music worship? I'm tellin' you this kid is going to be the death of me!

So what do I do until this phase passes? Good God, I can't let him around the family. They'd know it the minute they saw him standing there in his jeans and tee-shirt with that ridiculous baseball cap. And the shoes! The boy spends more money on sneakers than on his entire wardrobe.

I'll tell you this. Once he outgrows this we can work on finding him someone who will love and accept him for who he really is. He's such a handsome boy and he has so much to offer. It's going to be tough though. He's got that extra weight he put on this past summer. You know how judgmental people can be about weight. They act like you're fat on purpose. That you choose to be that way! It's a scientific fact that you can't fight genetics. People are so stupid.


  1. sounds like a theatre family!

  2. Hi Lucritia, I am a friend of Sam's from college. I really enjoyed this post. Thanks for poking fun at people's over the top and not too logical reactions to things. -Danielle Yermish

    1. Danielle, thank you for the kind comments. I'm glad other people get my satirical sense of humor. Keep reading!